Through all of my posts about myself and anxiety, there is one topic that I have not covered much: my husband and I. If you have read my post that I have made about my husband, and how he helps me to rationalize (which you can read here), you would know that my husband is literally my world. I would not be the person I was without him. So for today, I thought that it would be fun to tell the story of how we met. The Beginning My husband and I were both home schooled, but we went to the same co-op (non-homeschooled people look it up). I was a grade above Spencer, even though we are the same age, and we had known of each others existence since we were in 5th and 6th grade, or ten years old. However, plot twist: I did not like Spencer. He was quiet, he always had his ear buds in, and was constantly kicking a soccer ball. He hung out with no one but two friends, one of whom the rest of us thought was his girlfriend. Frankly, I thought he was a jerk. From Spencer’s side of things, he was…

The end of a year. What a big step for people (just kidding it is the change of a date but whatever). New Years Eve was always a mixed holiday for me. I love the party with my family, the sparkling cider, and counting down till midnight (having my soul mate with me at midnight for the past five years hasn’t been the worst either). However, for the most part, New Years Eve is a somber day in my world. I am extremely nostalgic, like painfully. I can bring myself to tears thinking about everything regarding the past. I miss being a child, I miss living at home, I miss my sixth grade English class, you get the point. Therefore, New Years Eve was always slightly painful. It was a whole day to look back on the fact that another year of my life has ended, and to “miss” all the things that I experienced. This year, however, the feeling is different. I am not nostalgic or sad, I am mainly fearful (shocking I know). 2018 was the most wild year of my life, and not in a good way. It was a time of incredible lows, and a lot…

Today is your birthday. Your fifth in heaven. What a mix of emotions. I am so glad you are having your birthday in heaven, because I know it is so joyous. I am sad that you are not having your birthday with us, because it would have been so amazing. Yet, the part that makes your birthday the most sad is that you were the one who decided to celebrate in heaven. There are so many things that I would love to say to you if I could. Things that to you may have sounded selfish, but to me are just all the reasons that I wish you had stayed. So, to one of the greatest people I have ever know, on your five year heaven birthday anniversary, here are things I want you to know. I Know You Struggled At the time, I was young, but even then and especially now I know, you struggled. You fought mental illness so hard. You had a diagnosis that is extremely hard to contain, and I honestly do not believe that you had much support. I cannot imagine how hard and how scary it must have been for you to be in…

This post may go a little bit all over the place, but only because it is one of the most emotional part of mental illness for me. Whenever I would think of mental illnesses before I experienced one myself, I always thought that they only affected a person’s brain. Therefore, you could never tell who was struggling with mental illnesses unless you talked to them directly about it. However, when I look at myself today, I wonder how someone could possibly look at me without thinking that I was sick. My mental illness is not hidden. My body has gone through transformations that I could not even imagine in the past year. So today, I am going to take you on a walk through the past year of my life with anxiety as documented through pictures of my body. This is so incredibly hard for me to post, because even looking at these pictures brings me to tears, but I think that it is important to be transparent, and to also let other people know that they are not alone. My Body Before Anxiety You will have to excuse the low-quality IPhone 5 photo from two summers ago, because I…

Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder is an eating disorder that is independent from body image fears and manifests through the fear of the consequences of eating from a health perspective.

I have disclosed in a previous post (my review of multiple anxiety relief methods, you can view it here), that I do not use medication for my anxiety. There are a lot of different opinions on whether or not medication should be taken for anxiety, and to what extent. Before I begin, I just want to say that every person is different. What works for me may not work for someone else. My experience will be different than anyone else’s, and not everyone will share my views on this. That is okay. I am not asking for you to submit to my viewpoints, I just want to share what my experience has been and give the reasons for not taking medication. I found alternate opinions extremely helpful when I was first trying to navigate the world of mental health, and I also would like you to get to know me a little bit better. My Experience with Anxiety Medication: It was in January of 2018 that I first went to the doctor for my anxiety. I had been told by my counselor at the time that it may help me to stay in school, and to work through my feelings for the…

Dear Anxiety,  Since you happen to be around for 99% of my day, I figured it was time that I addressed you directly. I used to hate you with a burning passion. You stole my life. You took me from a fiesty, independent woman with great opportunities ahead of me, and turned me into a dependent, suffering shell of myself. You took my career, my degree, my relationships, and my freedom. At night after a panic attack you left me crying alone in the bathroom, wondering why you had chosen me, what I had done to deserve such a cruel fate.  I stayed in that state for months. Apathetic, loathing you and loathing myself. I didn’t try to change. You had me beat, convinced that I didn’t deserve a better life, and that even if I did, I wasn’t strong enough to beat you.  But you know what, anxiety? Something changed. I don’t hate you anymore. I don’t hate myself anymore. I am not weak, and I can beat you. There are parts of you that actually help me in life. You let me know when I am getting too in over my head, which was a skill I never…