A Change
Anxiety , Mental Health / June 11, 2019

I was 14 when I decided I wanted hair like Rapunzel. But there was something Disney didn’t tell me. Rapunzel’s hair was so long and sleek Because she didn’t have anxiety attacks That made her pull it out in clumps. Because depression didn’t leave her unable to get out of bed Brushing her hair wasn’t too hard a task. Rapunzel’s waist was so perfect, so tiny. But what Disney didn’t say Was that if you were that small, There was probably something wrong. Your hair and nails would go brittle from malnourishment… And break off. I know now I can’t be Rapunzel. And Disney is all lies. But I can be fine. I am strong. I am beautiful. But most importantly I’m alive. The past year and a half of my life have been insane. From star student set to graduate early to crippled with anxiety, I’ve put my soul and body through the ringer. But there are improvements. And losing 11 inches of hair was only the start. My hair looking it’s absolute best from far away before: My new look:

Crisis Helplines for Mental Health
Anxiety , Mental Health / April 7, 2019

I believe that it is important for all mental health platforms to have a place where help is available. I would love if these numbers were shared with friends and family, because they are SO important. Crisis helplines can help in times of distress and anxiety, as well as depressive and suicidal moments. United States Crisis Helplines for Mental Health: National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255) This hotline available 24 hours a day, and should be used if you are having suicidal thoughts. It can provide free emotional support and crisis intervention. Crisis Text line: Text “home” to 741741 This text line is a bit more discrete, and there are counselors available on the other end to talk you through emotional distress and make sure that you stay safe. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration National Helpline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357) This helpline can assist if you decide that you are prepared to take the next steps in your recovery. They have a locator for information on treatment providers, therapists, and even support groups. National Alliance on Mental Illness Helpline: 1-800-950-NAMI (6264) This helpline is only available from 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. EST Monday-Friday. They will answer general questions on…

If I Had One Day of Freedom
Anxiety , Mental Health / March 18, 2019

My 21st birthday is tomorrow (the 19th). I have been thinking about what I wanted for my birthday for a while, and on top of that saw a post that prompted this thought: If you had one day without your illness, what would you do? Honestly, even just the thought of having a day without my anxiety makes me emotional. The reason it makes me emotional is that I would want to do such simple things. Things that other people do every day. So this post is dedicated all to this one question, and this one “dream” day. Before the Day If I knew that tomorrow I would wake up with no anxiety, I would do a few things today. First of all, I would call all of my family and Spencer’s family and tell them to take off of work/school tomorrow, and to be prepared to be up early. I would most likely cry a lot, and probably be extremely anxious about what the day would hold. Which is a strange truth of my life. When I think of a future without anxiety, I honestly start to panic. My anxiety does such a good job at convincing me that…

Inspirational Thoughts for Today
Anxiety , Mental Health / March 4, 2019

I felt it was only right to talk to you. You have been on my mind a decent amount recently and you deserve recognition. Sometimes in life I feel like I am alone, just floating in this land of anxiety and isolation. Yet, even in these moments, I can always bring myself back to you. I am not alone, because you are there and hopefully you will always care. You motivate me to get back to my life. At times the love of myself is not enough to push myself to do the hard things. Recovery is hard. It is the hardest thing I have ever done. It is exhausting to throw myself out into the face of my panic, to be drained of all energy, and many times, to fail again and again. Most days I want to stay inside and do nothing. I want to succumb to panic. I want to crawl into the bath and do nothing. But then, I think of you. I realize that I cannot stay inside. I cannot avoid living life. I cannot cower in the face of fear. Because I cannot limit you. I cannot fail you. It would be a disservice…

Body Shaming for Skinny People
Anxiety , Mental Health / February 5, 2019

In my last post, I talked about body posititivity. I spoke to the fact that while we should always make people feel comfortable and confident, we cannot allow this body positivity movement to mold our society into a place where growth and personal improvement is not encouraged. If you would like to check out my thoughts on being truly body positive, go ahead and click here. However, in this post, I would like to make a record straight that I believe has been wrong for a very long time. The body positivity movement is largely geared towards people of a larger size, or people who have physical disabilities. While this is all good, I believe it makes a large assumption that our entire country has made for a long time. People who are skinny are not always the ideal body shape, and their body shape is not always something they believe should be celebrated. In order to illustrate my point, I will offer a current personal story. I went wedding dress shopping in the winter of 2018. Obviously in order to find the size for my dress, I had to be professionally measured. I stood patiently while this woman took…

How to Be Truly Body Positive
Anxiety , Mental Health / January 19, 2019

Issues with the way that body positivity has been handled in our country has been a weight on my mind for many years. While both men and women experience the burden of accepting the body given to us, the conversation has mostly been geared around women. In the new year I am personally working on becoming more body positive and bettering myself. Therefore, my next few posts will be a survey of inconsistencies that I see in our society in regards to different body types, as well as what body positivity is to me. Body positivity has been a hot topic for a few years now. To lay the ground work, I wanted to establish the main problem that I see with the body positivity movement. Body positivity is not an excuse for unhealthy behavior. Now, many people will assume that I am only referencing people who are overweight. Wrong. I am talking about everyone, including myself. There are a few different situations in which by promoting body positivity we could be promoting unhealthy life choices. Someone who has an eating disorder and is underweight Someone who struggles with self-control and past trauma who is therefore overweight Someone who only feels worthy when they are extremely physically fit…

How I “Accidentally” Overcame Seasonal Affective Disorder
Anxiety , Mental Health / January 12, 2019

What is Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)? To put it scientifically, SAD is: “a type of depression that comes and goes with the seasons, typically starting in the late fall and early winter and going away during the spring and summer” (National Institute of Mental Health). Basically, it is decently self-explanatory, people who suffer from SAD will experience depressive feelings only during the fall and winter months, and their symptoms will “magically” disappear as soon as it warms up. The important part of SAD is that you have to experience these symptoms for at least two years, and their symptoms have to be limited to the fall and winter months. Otherwise, a more accurate diagnosis of normal depression will be in order. Symptoms of SAD include: Frequently feeling depressed for the majority of the day. Having feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness Difficulty concentrating Agitation Sluggishness Having low energy Losing interest in previously enjoyed activities Changes in appetite and weight Sleep problems Thoughts of suicide My Experience With SAD When I was young, I loved winter. Playing in the snow, lighting the fireplace, hot chocolate, all the holidays, winter was the best. I never really had a favorite season. About the time I…

How My Husband and I Met
Anxiety , Mental Health / January 3, 2019

Through all of my posts about myself and anxiety, there is one topic that I have not covered much: my husband and I. If you have read my post that I have made about my husband, and how he helps me to rationalize (which you can read here), you would know that my husband is literally my world. I would not be the person I was without him. So for today, I thought that it would be fun to tell the story of how we met. The Beginning My husband and I were both home schooled, but we went to the same co-op (non-homeschooled people look it up). I was a grade above Spencer, even though we are the same age, and we had known of each others existence since we were in 5th and 6th grade, or ten years old. However, plot twist: I did not like Spencer. He was quiet, he always had his ear buds in, and was constantly kicking a soccer ball. He hung out with no one but two friends, one of whom the rest of us thought was his girlfriend. Frankly, I thought he was a jerk. From Spencer’s side of things, he was…

What I Want to Achieve
Anxiety , Mental Health / December 31, 2018

The end of a year. What a big step for people (just kidding it is the change of a date but whatever). New Years Eve was always a mixed holiday for me. I love the party with my family, the sparkling cider, and counting down till midnight (having my soul mate with me at midnight for the past five years hasn’t been the worst either). However, for the most part, New Years Eve is a somber day in my world. I am extremely nostalgic, like painfully. I can bring myself to tears thinking about everything regarding the past. I miss being a child, I miss living at home, I miss my sixth grade English class, you get the point. Therefore, New Years Eve was always slightly painful. It was a whole day to look back on the fact that another year of my life has ended, and to “miss” all the things that I experienced. This year, however, the feeling is different. I am not nostalgic or sad, I am mainly fearful (shocking I know). 2018 was the most wild year of my life, and not in a good way. It was a time of incredible lows, and a lot…

What I Want You To Know For Your Birthday in Heaven
Anxiety , Mental Health / December 28, 2018

Today is your birthday. Your fifth in heaven. What a mix of emotions. I am so glad you are having your birthday in heaven, because I know it is so joyous. I am sad that you are not having your birthday with us, because it would have been so amazing. Yet, the part that makes your birthday the most sad is that you were the one who decided to celebrate in heaven. There are so many things that I would love to say to you if I could. Things that to you may have sounded selfish, but to me are just all the reasons that I wish you had stayed. So, to one of the greatest people I have ever know, on your five year heaven birthday anniversary, here are things I want you to know. I Know You Struggled At the time, I was young, but even then and especially now I know, you struggled. You fought mental illness so hard. You had a diagnosis that is extremely hard to contain, and I honestly do not believe that you had much support. I cannot imagine how hard and how scary it must have been for you to be in…

%d bloggers like this: