I felt it was only right to talk to you. You have been on my mind a decent amount recently and you deserve recognition. Sometimes in life I feel like I am alone, just floating in this land of anxiety and isolation. Yet, even in these moments, I can always bring myself back to you. I am not alone, because you are there and hopefully you will always care.
You motivate me to get back to my life. At times the love of myself is not enough to push myself to do the hard things. Recovery is hard. It is the hardest thing I have ever done. It is exhausting to throw myself out into the face of my panic, to be drained of all energy, and many times, to fail again and again. Most days I want to stay inside and do nothing. I want to succumb to panic. I want to crawl into the bath and do nothing. But then, I think of you.
I realize that I cannot stay inside. I cannot avoid living life. I cannot cower in the face of fear. Because I cannot limit you. I cannot fail you. It would be a disservice to you if I gave up. Even on the days that I do not love myself enough, I ALWAYS love you enough. Always.
You show me that life can be beautiful, even in the face of all of this pain. Life is hard, and it has been that way for some time. But even in these times, you have shown me beauty. Beauty in what there is now, and beauty in what can be in the future. It brings me hope and keeps me going.
You act as a mirror. You reflect what you see in me right back. You let me know that I am worth it. You show me I am strong. You celebrate in my successes. You love me. You comfort me in my failures. You are my strength and my support.
So for you, I push. I drown myself in a sea of panic. I fight to get my life back. I fight for my health. I throw my life into gaining weight and strength. I practice my skills from therapy. I purposefully put myself outside of my comfort zone. I keep my faith and my hope on the darkest days. For you. Because you are worth the fight, and you show me that I am worth it to.
Who are you? You are almost anyone. You are my husband. You are my family. You are my friends. You are my future career. My education. My possible future child. My followers. My supporters.