The end of a year. What a big step for people (just kidding it is the change of a date but whatever). New Years Eve was always a mixed holiday for me. I love the party with my family, the sparkling cider, and counting down till midnight (having my soul mate with me at midnight for the past five years hasn’t been the worst either). However, for the most part, New Years Eve is a somber day in my world.
I am extremely nostalgic, like painfully. I can bring myself to tears thinking about everything regarding the past. I miss being a child, I miss living at home, I miss my sixth grade English class, you get the point. Therefore, New Years Eve was always slightly painful. It was a whole day to look back on the fact that another year of my life has ended, and to “miss” all the things that I experienced.
This year, however, the feeling is different. I am not nostalgic or sad, I am mainly fearful (shocking I know). 2018 was the most wild year of my life, and not in a good way. It was a time of incredible lows, and a lot of loss. Yet at the same time I got married to the love of my life this year, we got our first pet, and we moved to our first apartment. I would be so blessed to never live another 2018 ever again.
But I am scared. I have “wasted” a year of my life with anxiety. Limiting myself. Being sick. Being just scared. So as 2019 starts, I am terrified. Terrified that I could go another year, and be sitting on my couch one year from today just as afraid of living as I am now. I really do not want that. I miss my life. I miss living.
I think a lot of times others do not think of the affect that mental illness has on people. How much it can steal away. Therefore, for this New Years Eve post, as my “resolution” I would like to make a list of all the places that I want to go in 2019.
I hope that this has two purposes. First, as an actual goal and challenge for myself. I would be devastated if I did not see these places in the year 2019. Second, I hope that it shines light on how crippling anxiety and mental illness can be. Most peoples travel lists for the new year will include: traveling to all the state parks in the U.S., going to Europe, seeing the Grand Canyon, etc. Here is mine.
New Years 2019 Travel List
- My husbands childhood home (15 minutes from our apartment)
- My childhood home (20 minutes from our apartment)
- My favorite library (25 minutes)
- My favorite mall (35 minutes)
- Go to the movies (we live 4 minutes from a movie theater)
- The hair salon
- The campground I grew up going to (45 minutes)
- The beach (3 hours)
- My husband and I’s best friend’s house (25 minutes)
- My sisters bridal shower
- My sisters wedding (35 minutes)
- My college campus (40 minutes)
- A restaurant
- A hike
- The drive-ins (20 minutes)
I do not make this list to bring pity. I really do not. This is motivation for me. This is the truth of my life. I have not eaten out in a year and a half. I do not remember my last movie. My hair has not been cut in over two years. My last Starbucks was November 2017 (I LOVE Starbucks). I have been to the beach every single year of my life, except 2018. I know that these are privileges, not rights, but they are a huge part of living a life that I love. I hope that you use this information to show others around you love. Support them. Challenge them (if they would like that). Challenge me! Be aware of others around you and their struggles, and do not pass judgment.
I appreciate everyone who reads my crazy thoughts and my journey so much. The support is amazing. I hope you all have an amazing and safe evening tonight, and an incredible 2019.
I am scared as all get out. But here we go.