What I Want to Achieve

December 31, 2018

The end of a year. What a big step for people (just kidding it is the change of a date but whatever). New Years Eve was always a mixed holiday for me. I love the party with my family, the sparkling cider, and counting down till midnight (having my soul mate with me at midnight for the past five years hasn’t been the worst either). However, for the most part, New Years Eve is a somber day in my world.

I am extremely nostalgic, like painfully. I can bring myself to tears thinking about everything regarding the past. I miss being a child, I miss living at home, I miss my sixth grade English class, you get the point. Therefore, New Years Eve was always slightly painful. It was a whole day to look back on the fact that another year of my life has ended, and to “miss” all the things that I experienced.

This year, however, the feeling is different. I am not nostalgic or sad, I am mainly fearful (shocking I know). 2018 was the most wild year of my life, and not in a good way. It was a time of incredible lows, and a lot of loss. Yet at the same time I got married to the love of my life this year, we got our first pet, and we moved to our first apartment. I would be so blessed to never live another 2018 ever again.

But I am scared. I have “wasted” a year of my life with anxiety. Limiting myself. Being sick. Being just scared. So as 2019 starts, I am terrified. Terrified that I could go another year, and be sitting on my couch one year from today just as afraid of living as I am now. I really do not want that. I miss my life. I miss living.

I think a lot of times others do not think of the affect that mental illness has on people. How much it can steal away. Therefore, for this New Years Eve post, as my “resolution” I would like to make a list of all the places that I want to go in 2019.

I hope that this has two purposes. First, as an actual goal and challenge for myself. I would be devastated if I did not see these places in the year 2019. Second, I hope that it shines light on how crippling anxiety and mental illness can be. Most peoples travel lists for the new year will include: traveling to all the state parks in the U.S., going to Europe, seeing the Grand Canyon, etc. Here is mine.

New Years 2019 Travel List

  • My husbands childhood home (15 minutes from our apartment)
  • My childhood home (20 minutes from our apartment)
  • My favorite library (25 minutes)
  • My favorite mall (35 minutes)
  • Go to the movies (we live 4 minutes from a movie theater)
  • The hair salon
  • Starbucks
  • The campground I grew up going to (45 minutes)
  • The beach (3 hours)
  • My husband and I’s best friend’s house (25 minutes)
  • My sisters bridal shower
  • My sisters wedding (35 minutes)
  • My college campus (40 minutes)
  • A restaurant
  • A hike
  • The drive-ins (20 minutes)

I do not make this list to bring pity. I really do not. This is motivation for me. This is the truth of my life. I have not eaten out in a year and a half. I do not remember my last movie. My hair has not been cut in over two years. My last Starbucks was November 2017 (I LOVE Starbucks). I have been to the beach every single year of my life, except 2018. I know that these are privileges, not rights, but they are a huge part of living a life that I love. I hope that you use this information to show others around you love. Support them. Challenge them (if they would like that). Challenge me! Be aware of others around you and their struggles, and do not pass judgment.

I appreciate everyone who reads my crazy thoughts and my journey so much. The support is amazing. I hope you all have an amazing and safe evening tonight, and an incredible 2019.

I am scared as all get out. But here we go.

37 Comments

  • lorabishop December 31, 2018 at 2:48 pm

    as someone with anxiety, i can relate to how you described the end of year feelings. i hope you have a great 2019 and achieve all of your goals!
    – lora
    http://www.mylifeaslora.com

    • thehonestreader January 1, 2019 at 1:35 pm

      Thank you! I am so glad that someone else can relate! Best wishes to you as well!

  • Krista Mills January 1, 2019 at 6:13 am

    As someone living with mental illness, including agoraphobia, I can totally relate with this post. Baby steps, remember. You’ve got this. Congrats on getting married.

    • thehonestreader January 1, 2019 at 1:36 pm

      Thank you for your encouragement! Baby steps are so important, even though they can sometimes be frustratingly slow! But progress is progress.

  • pslater1972 January 1, 2019 at 7:06 am

    This is a lovely post. I can relate to so much of it. Your travel list is perfect for you and I hope you arenโ€™t too hard on yourself in 2019.

    • thehonestreader January 1, 2019 at 1:37 pm

      Thank you for your kind words. Being too hard on myself is definitely a weakness of mine, but I am hoping 2019 will be great!

  • Shnooks January 1, 2019 at 7:11 am

    I really enjoyed reading your article,and that often happens to me too,In my head I plan a lot of fun experiences but I end up staying home because of fears that limjts me from doing what I love. But I do feel that 2019 is a year of change and I’m really excited for it ๐Ÿ˜

    • thehonestreader January 1, 2019 at 1:38 pm

      I definitely relate to that. I put these large dreams and aspirations in my head but then anxiety gets the best of me. I am sure your 2019 will be absolutely amazing!

  • alyazia January 1, 2019 at 8:28 am

    I really loved your article โค๏ธ

    • thehonestreader January 1, 2019 at 1:39 pm

      Thank you so much! <3

  • Neil Alvin Nicerio January 1, 2019 at 8:39 am

    Happy New Year to you. May you get more views this year. I’m excited to read more of your articles.

    For sure you’d achieve your goals this year. ๐Ÿ™‚

    • thehonestreader January 1, 2019 at 1:40 pm

      Happy New Year! I am so glad that you are excited! I really hope that I do, and I am excited to write about the experiences that I will have.

  • Judy January 1, 2019 at 9:06 am

    Iโ€™m so sorry you struggle with this. I love your list. I canโ€™t imagine how hard even that may be but I look forward to reading about your accomplishments on your list! You can do this!

    • thehonestreader January 1, 2019 at 1:42 pm

      I am really glad that you loved it. That is honestly my whole purpose, I have met so many people who feel so alone in their situation and I would like for other people who do not struggle to be aware. I am looking forward to sharing with you!

  • Elizabeth Varkey January 1, 2019 at 9:49 am

    I realy appreciate this post which spread empathy other than sympathy. You should share these with as many people as possible

    • thehonestreader January 1, 2019 at 1:43 pm

      I appreciate that you said that, I was really going for an opportunity to raise awareness for the struggles of people with severe anxiety and other mental health issues. Thank you for reading my list!

  • Mrs. Type A January 1, 2019 at 12:31 pm

    Thanks so much for your transparency. I like how your list of goals for 2019 is concrete and achievable and will certainly help you focus on the best things in life. I’m confident 2019 will be a good one for you!

    • thehonestreader January 1, 2019 at 1:43 pm

      You are so welcome! Thank you for your kind words. I hope that 2019 is great for you as well!

  • Lisa January 1, 2019 at 1:14 pm

    I wish you all the luck in achieving all your goals this year. It’s not easy but stay focused! Happy new year!

    • thehonestreader January 1, 2019 at 1:44 pm

      Thank you so much for all of your encouragement!

  • Lauren January 1, 2019 at 6:57 pm

    As someone who experiences anxiety, I can really relate. I think itโ€™s amazinf that you wrote out your list…first and foremost for yourself. Itโ€™s also inspiring. Iโ€™m going to follow your blog after this comment so I can keep up to date with your journey!

    Lauren
    TheZenFashionista.Com

  • Sanjota Purohit January 1, 2019 at 8:00 pm

    Life is always about ups and downs. Don’t worry about anything and enjoy every moment of your life ๐Ÿ™‚ You found the love of your life ๐Ÿ™‚ I wish you a very happy new year ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Viki de Lieme January 2, 2019 at 5:50 am

    Your anxiety is a wonderful mechanism you once created, to keep you safe. Just like many other good initiatives on your brain’s behalf, it turned against you. Try embracing it for what it is, instead of fighting it. No one likes a fight, and fight makes everything fight harder for it’s existence. Anxiety is the same. It can only be won over with compassion and empathy. Try seeing it this way. 2018 was good, and 2019 can be even better. Sending you love ๐Ÿ™‚ And compassion and empathy ๐Ÿ™‚

  • chaddden2001 January 2, 2019 at 7:43 am

    I’ve never been this ill with anxiety, but I know how it feels to be trapped indoors due to an illness, even if it’s not mental health related.

  • Ivan Jose January 2, 2019 at 9:29 am

    I hope you pull through your anxiety so that you get to enjoy life. As for travelling, well, it’s all about perspective. You don’t really have to go far in order to travel.

  • Jeferson Beluso January 2, 2019 at 9:42 am

    it’s nice to see your new list after a whirlwind previous year….it’s a great start hoping for a good year…..wishing you all the best….

  • Elizabeth O January 2, 2019 at 10:17 pm

    Anxiety can be very debilitating and I applaud you for speaking up about it. Take your steps one at a time and enjoy them. Here’s to a courageous year for you!

  • Rupy January 3, 2019 at 9:58 am

    This is a good read for me. Your travel list is so good. I wish I can go any of these places. Happy new year.

  • Emilio Marcos Sierra January 3, 2019 at 3:56 pm

    I hope you manage to do everything on your travel list! Have a great NY and keep pushing through the times that tell you to stop ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Danielle January 3, 2019 at 8:34 pm

    Your list looks perfect for you. I wish you well and hope that your year is amazing.

  • SiennyLovesDrawing January 3, 2019 at 9:07 pm

    Yeah!! Love your personal sharing here, all the best to achieving all, Happy New Year 2019 ya ๐Ÿ˜€
    cheers, siennylovesdrawing

  • folabest January 4, 2019 at 10:58 am

    The ideas towards the new year look amazing. Wish you a more successful new year.

  • folabest January 5, 2019 at 3:56 am

    Hope this year will be greater than the previous ones. And you will be free from anxiety

  • myweethoughts January 6, 2019 at 8:51 pm

    Wish you all the best this year! May you achieve all the things on your travel list!

  • MELISSA F AY January 13, 2019 at 11:59 am

    Congratulation!! I am so happy for you guys. You guys look so cute together. I feel like you are going to shine like a star in 2019… And don’t forget to be kind to yourself before others and welcome every experience that comes to your way. You will realize day by day that you will learn something from each event that happens in your life and that will shape your personality. Don’t overthink and be happy.. Happy new year to you and your hubby!

    • thehonestreader January 13, 2019 at 5:11 pm

      Thank you for your kind words!

  • Brandi January 22, 2019 at 2:11 pm

    Very beautiful post, I hope you get to accomplish everything you want to this year!

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