What I Want You To Know For Your Birthday in Heaven

December 28, 2018

Today is your birthday. Your fifth in heaven. What a mix of emotions. I am so glad you are having your birthday in heaven, because I know it is so joyous. I am sad that you are not having your birthday with us, because it would have been so amazing. Yet, the part that makes your birthday the most sad is that you were the one who decided to celebrate in heaven.

There are so many things that I would love to say to you if I could. Things that to you may have sounded selfish, but to me are just all the reasons that I wish you had stayed. So, to one of the greatest people I have ever know, on your five year heaven birthday anniversary, here are things I want you to know.

I Know You Struggled

At the time, I was young, but even then and especially now I know, you struggled. You fought mental illness so hard. You had a diagnosis that is extremely hard to contain, and I honestly do not believe that you had much support. I cannot imagine how hard and how scary it must have been for you to be in a place of that much darkness that you only saw one way out. I think of your last moments all the time. I want you to know that I understand that your illness made you want to take your life, and that to you it was logical.

I Know You Wanted to Live

No matter what the ending to your life was, I know that ultimately you wanted to live. You had so much zest for life. You laughed often, you loved everyone, and you had a sense for adventure. You loved your family and everything that you were challenged with. Even though your mental illness won, I want you to know that I know that you truly wanted to live.

I Know That You Loved Us

This is the one that took me the longest to come to terms with. The last time that I saw you, mere hours before you took your life, I hugged you and told you that I loved you. When I found out what had happened, I spent months thinking that you must not have loved us. How you could throw that in our face. How selfish you had to be to leave in that manner, so soon after we were all together as a family. I believe in that way I have grown over the past few years. I know that you loved us, just as I know you would have wanted to live a long life. Your mental illness took over and convinced you that no amount of love of others or love of life was enough to make you want to stay.

I Want You To Know That I Still Love You

I know that you questioned this even before your life ended. You did not know if your life had worth or whether you should stick around. If you know nothing else, I want you to know that you were wanted. I would give just about anything to have you here with me. You were and are loved, cherished, and missed. Nothing that you could do could take away the love I have for you, not even taking your own life.

*If you or someone you know struggles from suicidal thoughts, please get help. I know that the struggle is hard, but please know that you will be desperately missed. You have a purpose and a long life ahead of you, and nothing is ever hopeless. Please stay strong.

10 Comments

  • Tatiana Barone January 2, 2019 at 5:21 pm

    This post it’s touching. I can’t write anything properly because it touched me so much and I feel like I wanna cry.

  • Kristine Nicole Alessandra January 2, 2019 at 5:36 pm

    This is so touching. I can feel your pain. Mental health is not an easy thing to deal with and I am glad to know that times have changed somehow and there is active campaigns to raise awareness. Hopefully, the stigma will end and more people who suffer will be given the proper attention and treatment.

  • The Panicked Foodie January 2, 2019 at 6:31 pm

    Your post made me cry. 🙁 I’m sorry that you have experienced this. I lost someone in my family to suicide 6 months ago, and it is one of the hardest deaths to grieve due to the mixed emotions that one experiences. This was beautifully written. I wish your loved one a Happy Birthday.

  • Clarice January 3, 2019 at 11:04 am

    This is heart-breaking and I feel your pain while reading this post. Mental illness is a serious concern that shouldn’t be taken for granted. I just shared your post as I believe this can help in spreading awareness. Sending you virtual hugs.

  • DrKLeeBanks January 3, 2019 at 4:04 pm

    I’m sorry for your loss and your pain, which clearly comes through your writing. I can so relate, however. My Dad passed in 2002 and my Mom in 2011. I still feel emotional with every birthday and special occasion (Father’s Day, Mother’s Day), and holiday that passes.

  • Cyndi Buchanan January 4, 2019 at 12:20 pm

    What a moving post. I’m so sorry for your loss. I felt emotional this Christmas since it was the first Christmas without our Grandma. She is still very missed and always will be missed.

  • Grace January 4, 2019 at 5:07 pm

    What a beatifull way to express your feelings. I’m sorry for you loss. I know how it feels to loose loveones and to miss them on their birthdays and during the holidays. I lost my mom (2012) and dad (2014) to cancer and in 2016 my cousin took his own life while it seemed that he was finally in a good place. He lived in a open mental health clinic at the time but unfortunately still decided to end his life.

  • Dalene Ekirapa January 5, 2019 at 8:06 am

    Such beautiful and touching words! I enjoyed reading how inspirational the piece is. Well, I hope the stigmatization regarding mental health can be dealt with since many are succumbing to suicide.

  • brianmayroam January 6, 2019 at 12:59 pm

    Wow, it takes such courage to put such deep and intimate thoughts out for the world to read. Good for you and anyone who reads this!

  • asseenonjean88 February 6, 2019 at 2:08 pm

    What a touching post, thank you for being brave enough to share this. I know so many people who struggle with mental health including myself.

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